i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
