in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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