I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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