summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
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