How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
