I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
