can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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