I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My cat gives me a boner
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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