having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
