I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
