Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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