Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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