Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
