There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
