just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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