I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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