Do you still have your period?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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