She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
