today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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