I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
