Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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