My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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