So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
