At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Randomize
