Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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