last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
