You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
