hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
