Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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