thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
