chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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