I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
