Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
