Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
