he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
