My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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