Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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