Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
