half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
