Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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