My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
