closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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