It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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