Will you blow on my dice?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
