if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
