Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
