Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
