do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
