In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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