the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
