my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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