No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
