This is not my ceiling
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
