Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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