Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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