Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
