Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize