Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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