I wish I could teleport
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
