So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize