we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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